The beginning has always been the hardest part for me to write. I am never confident enough with my beginnings. And then I start and what I intended to write is not what I write.
Today is different though. This entire weekend has been different. I’m seated in my pajamas and fluffy pink socks in the little lobby-ish area of the 18th floor of the Westin Hotel. Looking out the window, onto the road that was covered with snow not so long ago. In front of me as well is an alley way…You know the kind from those bad scenes in the movies, it’s complete with smoke or steam coming out of one of the buildings. If you cannot tell yet, I happen to be stalling.
I never planned today, and it should not have gone down the way it did. If there are two things I have grown a disdain for they are ministry/vocation and depression/addiction/suicide. What does disdain mean anyway? Yeah, the words have gone and left me once again. Tears seem to be much closer than any words. Okay, lemme do this again.
My dad died in February 2013. My grand-pa followed him in December 2013. April 2014, part of our home was destroyed and my gran was told she was sick. the bad kind of sick. My best friend and boyfriend and I broke up in May 2014. July 16th 2014 was the day I got rejected again. There was a firm no over the phone and the reasons why. It was also the day I stopped looking in the mirror. It was also the day I lost my appetite. It was also the day that I gave up. I gave up living. I gave up trying. I just gave up. It was the day that I could tangibly define pain, sorrow and loss. It was the day I considered for the first time in a long time – who gives a shit anyway. Let’s just end this.
I’d thought so before, but nobody knows. Or maybe nobody wants to know. More likely the latter. Must have been high school (2001) – s.4. vacation – I was just tired. Tired of life. Tired of the pressure. Tired. She returned. I have been living with her since July 16th 2014.
I have been told a lot of things over these past few months
“You are strong. You are a strong woman.” – No. I really am not. The thoughts my mind has entertained would let you know that I am not – but you do not ask. Why don’t you ask?
“You deserve better. ” – Do you really mean that? Or are you just saying it because you pity the 28 year old who has failed yet again. What do you know about me that makes you think I deserve anything? Do you know anything about my story or only what you have heard, seen and you mind has decided to compose?
“You will get through this.” – How? Can you tell the future? Did God really reveal that to you or are you just running your mouth? Had you been praying then maybe you would have seen that just the other night I hang a towel over my mirror because I could not stand to look at myself.
“Oh My goodness, you are still in the same spot? What is wrong with you?” – What is wrong me? That is a good question because I would also like to know what is wrong with me? I would also like to know what is wrong with me? I ask myself that question also with the same disdain that is written in your voice.
“Why are you loosing weight?” – Well, because I simply have no appetite to eat. No. I mean that literally. I do not have the appetite. It’s not even the type of food. I used to like eating. Now I do not.
It’s in these dark hot spots that your friends get sieved through – Everyone has their own lives and besides, if they really wanted to concern themselves with your story, then they would have asked you. No. Actually, the would have talked to you with out you chasing after them and harassing them. If people really cared, may be they would speak up and stop acting like… Well, like nothing. Like nothing. nothing. nothing. that is what is happening. nothing.
I went for a session today and listened to people tell their stories of survival. I listened to broken hearts hurt by loved ones they lost and thought, what if I could have done more. I thought to myself, this is not me. I am not part of them. They have real stuff that they are dealing with, I have nothing. I am not like them. I am the strong woman, remember.
I am the strong woman. The one supposed to get A’s. The one supposed to get a job. The one supposed to have a career. The one supposed to have the answers. I am the one supposed to be strong.
Tonight, I watched this movie… #twlohaMovie. I thought to myself… Now this is a strong woman. Look at what she has had to live through and yet still come out strong. I thought to myself… I am not like her.
Tonight. You now know.
Do not ask me how I am or whisper how is she? I still know God. I still acknowledge Jesus. We do not get to talk about these things. We do not get to discuss them. We do not understand these things nor do we want to. We would rather not deal with them. They are too messy.
and No. This is not one aspect of my life.
This is my life.
Now you know.
and in the usual fashion, this is not at all what I intended to write but then again, this blog is supposed to be closed anyway…